by Andrew Vanden Bossche
“The bear is an issue because it is inconsistent with the other fact that has been spoken.”
— How Will Videogames Pass Go? by Ryan Kuo
Problem
There is no fantasy novel in which the protagonist is killed by a wild bear on page 45, certainly not after her daring rescue from the jaws of death, definitely not after her destiny as the chosen one was revealed, and absolutely not after mastering the ancient art of screaming in the language of dragons. Designers and critics theorize that humans play Skyrim because “they want to feel like a hero” and not because “they want to be mauled by bears,” but there are video games about stranger things.
Fact
I descended a picturesque mountain alongside a crystal clear stream, trees in fall colors, hideous giant bear lurking behind rocks, wait what, and then I was dead. As I reloaded again and again, the bear alternated between eating me and my companion until I yelled at it so hard it fell off the side of a cliff. I am the Dragonborn, chosen one and saviour of Skyrim.
Inconsistencies
In Skyrim, dragons fly backwards, friends and family arrive to weddings dead, and shopkeepers do not notice when customers place iron pots on their heads and rifle through their belongings. You might be surprised at how easy it is to place a pot on a shopkeeper’s head, even if he is standing perfectly still. You might also be surprised at how much fun it is.
Make it Look Like an Accident
A city-spanning conspiracy between demon worshippers and corrupt politicians ended with me jailed in a silver mine. After shanking my way out, the Jarl (Yarl, Earl, etc.) congratulated me on assassinating the head of the other conspiracy, and promoted me thusly. Unamused, I picked the lock of his private quarters and bashed his brains out with a mace. Shortly thereafter, a courier delivered a note to me with its condolences of my loss of my great friend the late Jarl, an inheritance of 100 gold pieces, and a brilliant plan for what to do with anyone else who might make the mistake of befriending me.
Fact #2
Everyone on Twitter says you’ll have more fun doing the side quests than the main quest, that is, you’ll have more fun as a thief, a college student, or a werewolf than you will saving the world from the prophecy of destruction. You will have more fun being the dashing side character in the novel than the bland blank slate protagonist. You will have more fun rifling through the belongings of Skyrim’s innocent citizens than you will defending them from evil.
They are correct.
I am the Dragonborn, but I am also the following:
- An undergrad at both U of Winterhold and Bard State.
- Thane of Riften, Markarth, and Cawdor
- Member of the Thieves’ Guild (tuition is not cheap)
- Member of the Black Hand, Guild of Assassins (student loans even less so)
- A Lizardman
- A Werewolf
Cognitive Inconsistencies
RPG stands for role-playing-game, which implies a game in which you, the player, pretend to be someone else. For a while, I make up reasons why I pick the choices I do. My Lizardman, he’s a tough guy, he never backs down, but he’s got a sense of honor, sometimes, when its convenient, unless the dishonorable option is really awesome. When the writing’s this bad, you can’t blame me for not caring who I cross.
Criticism
Tom Bissell on Bethesda’s previous game, Fallout 3: “ a universe that had been designed by geniuses and written by Ed Wood Jr .”
Skyrim makes no pretensions to morality but the writing still borrows heavily from B-movie convention. The voice, the one telling the player she’s the chosen one, isn’t very loud or compelling. The plot is drowned out by Skyrim (the place). Kuo’s bear is inconsistent with the other facts but he’s roaring more loudly than those facts, right in my face.
Inconsistent Inconsistencies
Skyrim may operate under dream logic, but dream logic is fun. My stealth is so high that guards stumble over me as they search desperately for the invader. I feel like I’m in a Marx Brothers skit, but I’m having as much fun as I do watching the Marx Brothers.
Skyrim is inconsistent with the facts as they have been written. It is not a fantasy RPG. It is almost everything but that. It is all the verbs of a fantasy novel with a thin layer of plot; Skyrim reminds me of how my best friend and I, when we were kids, would rewind well-used VHS tapes of violent anime and rewatch only the hugest explosions, the most graphic decapitations.
Broken
When a game does not work as the creators intended, it is broken, but when you’re not a designer, breaking a game is the most fun you can have. It isn’t the winning, it’s the figuring out how to win, which is to say the best part of Skyrim is lurking in the shadows peppering the Master Vampire with arrows while he snarls at the suddenly lethal air in front of him. The boss of this godforsaken cave has become “the limits of Bethesda’s AI programming” and not an unnamed “Master Vampire,” but the conflict remains.
And I’m still on the winning side.
