by Michelle Perez
I grew up in the backwoods of Michigan. If there is an argument for the advocacy of firearm ownership that didn’t involve the hunting of unarmed animals, it’s living in Michigan alongside people that have more guns than you, and that they would never hesitate to use them in acts of defensive protection of their lives or property. These acts usually take place around populated areas or eerily close to schools. When they don’t, it’s usually due to drug dealers or dudes who become easily roused to anger over statements made about mothers. We leave the mothers out of this, or the bodies hit the *tiss tiss* FLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR *UGHT*
With that in mind, a subject near and dear to my heart is the insistence of Youtube Users to let people know that when they kill digital people, they must include an audio track that was also used to torture prisoners of war who have in all actuality never heard studio recorded music before.
This video recounts the daring and bravado a man must take within his spirit in order to become “The Master.” He humbles us with his ability to throw knives out of windows in a wholly unrealistic fashion, all while proving what many in the scientific field already knew: if you throw a knife at a guy’s kneecap he will die from the sensory overload it causes, and he will die nameless. Unless he’s reduced himself to a quasi-comatose state where there is only the consumption of Hot Pockets, latrine relief in the form of Halloween Candy Buckets and Empty 1 Liter Aquafina bottles. Then his name is ThickManStinkle and you cannot report him because weight descrimination is not in the Xbox terms of use violations list.
Of particular note here is that the recurring theme throughout the video is one of persistance. He edits out the obvious deaths he recieves upon throwing a knife into a crowd of armed men, as it probably isn’t all that flattering and at some point someone will make mean spirited statements in reference to his sexual identity.
Here we learn what many already knew about the Hitman series: If you enjoy it, that’s cool and all, but if you spend your hours recounting the ways in which you can spend the most time on killing each necessary and unnecessary target, you are likely a sociopath. There are no effective treatments for this affliction, and you are damned to a lifetime of probable success, political prowess and a likely six figure salary (at the least) should you make the pragmatic decision to not murder the senior staff of the car dealership where you work.
As many child psychiatrists have noted, while it remains the choice of a parent whether or not to let their child play a game where you throw sedated people in furnaces aboard a steamboat in transit, it is ill-advised to let them listen to Drowning Pool while doing so unless you want the happiest and most well adjusted child you’ve ever met.
Oh my God the graphics in World of Warcraft look like some sort of high-end Nintendo 64 mod. How does a game like that ruin sex lives or cause them to never exist to begin with? Does this game even have normal mapping? It looks like an army of Playskool toys battling for control of Cardboard Keep. From what I understand, the prerequisites of enjoying World of Warcraft include a somewhat disposable income, the ability to retain an attention span in the process of distinguishing which multi-colored batch of polygonal Playdough you’re attacking and an intense fixation on jumping. Things come out of your hands and you when you are not a dead man, you are a green man or a hoofdude. According to Hoofdude Scripture it is said that one day the Hoofdude Savior Shall Arise through Virgin Birth (a virgin logs onto World of Warcraft and purchases a multi-year subscription), and the Hoofdudes are awash in salvation, never to be heard from again.
How many bodies have truly hit the floor? Is there anything truly wrong with me? Should something give, take quiet solace in the fact that while yes, the bodies will hit the floor there will never be a revisiting of the original song ala Metallica’s The Unforgiven 2.
